Saturday, May 07, 2005
Enemy of The State Dream
The other night I dreamed that I was Will Smith. It was a lot of fun being an enemy of the state, although living in a hovel with Gene Hackman was often difficult. The entire venture ended when I accidentally burned the house down in a government raid.
To make matters worse, Gene would force me to break into Argos and steal goods to sell down the market at weekends, and then we'd run screaming like madmen over the rooftops of the city back home for tea.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Do you ever get the feeling like some days you are the crowd of zombies, and some days you are the guy being ripped apart by the crowd of zombies?
People keep telling me I should vote in the election. I think it is democratic that we have the choice whether or not to vote.
People keep telling me I should vote in the election. I think it is democratic that we have the choice whether or not to vote.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
F. U . Q.
(F R E Q U E N T L Y _ U N A N S W E R E D _ Q U E S T I O N S )
WITH
FRANK
THE LITERATE DROID
WITH
FRANK
THE LITERATE DROID
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Script-Oh
Soapy Heroes
Episode II
In which no clones attack
David: When I wake up I have Essex Hair, but this also happens when I have been out and keep it under my hat. But that is OK because Essex people look good. I am not as skinny as I used to be and my skin on my face is browned because I have stayed awake at night for so long that I am becoming a vampire. I look like a vampire that has been left out in the sun.
I literally explode every time I go outside, but it is OK because everyone is so used to it that no one looks at me any more.
Exeunt
Episode II
In which no clones attack
David: When I wake up I have Essex Hair, but this also happens when I have been out and keep it under my hat. But that is OK because Essex people look good. I am not as skinny as I used to be and my skin on my face is browned because I have stayed awake at night for so long that I am becoming a vampire. I look like a vampire that has been left out in the sun.
I literally explode every time I go outside, but it is OK because everyone is so used to it that no one looks at me any more.
Exeunt
Monday, May 02, 2005
Script-Oh
Soapy Heroes
Episode One
"Die Another David"
Scene: Int. Student Bedroom, Day
David: Hi, I'm David. My life can be pretty interesting! Sometimes you might blink and it might not be there. Then it might come back again.
Mum: Davey Boy, who are you talking to?
David: Sometimes I address an audience that is visible only to me!
Dad: Word bitches!
David: What are you doing here?
David's life is a hilarious new soap from ITV about a group of jovial northerners living in Manchester.
Episode One
"Die Another David"
Scene: Int. Student Bedroom, Day
David: Hi, I'm David. My life can be pretty interesting! Sometimes you might blink and it might not be there. Then it might come back again.
Mum: Davey Boy, who are you talking to?
David: Sometimes I address an audience that is visible only to me!
Dad: Word bitches!
David: What are you doing here?
David's life is a hilarious new soap from ITV about a group of jovial northerners living in Manchester.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
For Love
And so I digress,
But a funny thing happened to me on the way home
Midway this way of life we're bound upon,
And all that.
I was visiting a toyshop that I'd been to in my youth
When I observed that the basement had been replaced
By a display of modern toys that had replaced
The ones that I knew in my youth,
Over the entrance to the basement.
It was then that an array of CIA men
Emerged from behind the display,
Explaining that this was their secret base
And would I kindly come with them.
They said that since I had discovered them I would have to be held as a terrorist suspect
And then they tortured me to make me confess
And threatened me with "Egyptian Penis Torture"(tm).
And so I made an observation that
It felt like an entire age
Had died and decayed,
And that the innocence of my boyhood had been lost along the way.
And so they stripped me naked,
And put me in a dark, dank cell.
And one day I escaped,
And to my surprise found the building I was in was my old workplace,
And that there was another entrance to the base
That came out under my old workplace,
And that really this conspiracy had been going on around my ears all the time.
And they had sacked all of the old employees
And changed the name
And there it was that I found my master,
Still living inside of the work place,
Hiding in a cupboard
(For he was very small),
"Go away!", said he, "for this is my hiding place!"
But as he closed the door I put my foot in
And stepped inside.
Hours later I found myself running along naked
Past a bus full of schoolchildren
When I took a wrong turn and found myself lost in the town that I grew up in
For several hours.
"You can see my old primary school from here!"
I exclaimed.
But a funny thing happened to me on the way home
Midway this way of life we're bound upon,
And all that.
I was visiting a toyshop that I'd been to in my youth
When I observed that the basement had been replaced
By a display of modern toys that had replaced
The ones that I knew in my youth,
Over the entrance to the basement.
It was then that an array of CIA men
Emerged from behind the display,
Explaining that this was their secret base
And would I kindly come with them.
They said that since I had discovered them I would have to be held as a terrorist suspect
And then they tortured me to make me confess
And threatened me with "Egyptian Penis Torture"(tm).
And so I made an observation that
It felt like an entire age
Had died and decayed,
And that the innocence of my boyhood had been lost along the way.
And so they stripped me naked,
And put me in a dark, dank cell.
And one day I escaped,
And to my surprise found the building I was in was my old workplace,
And that there was another entrance to the base
That came out under my old workplace,
And that really this conspiracy had been going on around my ears all the time.
And they had sacked all of the old employees
And changed the name
And there it was that I found my master,
Still living inside of the work place,
Hiding in a cupboard
(For he was very small),
"Go away!", said he, "for this is my hiding place!"
But as he closed the door I put my foot in
And stepped inside.
Hours later I found myself running along naked
Past a bus full of schoolchildren
When I took a wrong turn and found myself lost in the town that I grew up in
For several hours.
"You can see my old primary school from here!"
I exclaimed.
